Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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