I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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