sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
