...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
