Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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