I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
