Duck Duck Cougar?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
