By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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