Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize