I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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