redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
