I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
