I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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