just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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