My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
