i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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