I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
