never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
