Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
