That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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