Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
