These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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