Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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