I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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