It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
