Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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