FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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