we're chasing vodka with high fives
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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