She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
