i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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