you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
