Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
