I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
