my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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