Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
