please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
