How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Is her dick bigger than yours?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
