There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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