i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
