I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
