i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Im part way to drunk.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
