I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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