it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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