Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize