it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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