i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
smell my finger.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
