Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
