btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
