He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
