listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
