mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I wear drunk well.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
