Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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