so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
