Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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