your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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