omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
