it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
