John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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