dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
whose parrot is this?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize