Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
