sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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