it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The uberlube is also flammable
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
