the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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