can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
