So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
