cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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