I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
